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"John  there's a wizard, three hobbits and an elf out here inquiring about a ring"My God!! Have we been burgled? ... No...the grandchildren came round
Unfortunately for Maxine, the real Johnny Depp was not available. Bella became a passionate follower of cycle racing
Clayboys Astrology - Pisces
Impractical, gullible, enigmatic, sensationalist, careless, indifferent, oblivious, temperamental, vague, easlily led, quirky, flaky, spaced out, overly sensitive, idle, self-absorbed, procastinationg, disorganised, satirical, irresponsible, indecisive, over-emotional, escapist, mysterious...and ULTRA popular.With friends on her birthday, Jamima felt a great sense of inner peace and calm... yep she was sh*tfaced again!
Many years ago, the youth fairy flew into your bedroom, landed on your pillow and, waving her wand, said "This child shall forever be young!".... but you rolled over and squashed her and now look what's happened!"Look, bugger our carbon footprint, I feel a complete prat!"
Happy Birthday
Hello Pooh! Is this your Chinese cousin? No it's my Irish cousin. He just drinks too much GuinnessVimrod credit-crunch shoes
Peckham TradersYou're only young once... but you can be immature all your life!
No mate, just swap shirts!!!John really enjoyed the odd pint every now and then.
GREAT MEN OF OUR TIME Barack Obama Steve Davies Happy birthday Steve! What's the problem Greg? You knew I was a gun dog when you got me
wardrobe or pension? 
wardrobe. 
happy birthday sue!AFTER SEVERAL HOURS OF TRYING TO ORDER ON-LINE, FRED DECIDED TO CLOSE DOWN HIS COMPUTER
Wishing you a Happy Birthday HaroldJosephine,
You weren't born to shop! It's a skill acquired after years of commitment, work and dedication xxx Happy Birthday!
HELEN'S GIN AND TONIC DIET WAS SORT OF GOING WELL...  SHE'D LOST TWO DAYS.Ever the optimist, Norman handed the barber his Tom Cruise cutting.
We got hom from a dog's home when he was a puppy. We had no idea how he would turn out. - Happy Birthday CharlieBeer Monster 
CHEERS 
Tick Boxes:
Cooking Larger / Flat Beer / Not So Stou t/ Bottoms Up / Beer Goggles/ White Wine for the Lady / Clink Clink Fizz

*INSIDE*
Beer Monster. noun
He just loves to party all night long. Brings fun, games and the need for a mop and bucket to every occasion. Always sorry the morning after – but never seems to learn!
Suzy had 'come to bed' eyes, Jack had a T-shirt.'DON'T WORRY' CORRUTHERS CRIED CHEERILY, ' ACCORDING TO MY GPS TRACKING SYSTEM WERE STILL IN KENSINGTON'
You've been staring at that carton of orange for half an hour.  What's the problem?  Ssssh, it say concentrate.Dot only went to the shops for a bar of chocolate.  But on the way home she saw a dress that would go with it...
Bean SurfingNuts About Football
Beer Head
Some cards are filled with money
some are filled with cheer
unfortunately for you...Your wife is on line two, she wants her sign back.
Greeting cards.....  HELLOI'm not really asleep you know
Delores has been wearing the same lucky bra on her Birthday ever since she was fourteen.  Happy Birthday, you haven't changed a bit."Can you shrink my bum?"  Kathy tried every diet. Now she tried a shrink
Clayboys Astrology - Aries "Restless, reckless, impatient, bossy, temperamental, opinionated, impulsive, lustful, blunt, head strong, jealous, self centred, brash, self indulgent, impetuous, irresponsible, quick tempered, over confident, competitive, argumentitive, self-absorbed, volatile...EXTRAORDINARILY exciting."ALCOHOL isn't the answer to everything Stephanie... *Inside* But who cares what the question is when you're drunk!!
It may not be a pretty picture but you're old enough to face the truth..."Amazing-you found this place simply by typing 'Paradise' into your Sat nav!"
Happy Birthday
"Rattie did you see who that idiot was?" 
"Yes Mole! Jeremy bloody Clarkson" 
Happy Birthdayvodka is god for you...i mean...good for you
The Fab FourA woman's place is on a pedestal... where there is clearly no room for an ironing board!
Oi Gordon - What you looking at???  Come on then!!!  Her nipples are hard!As John had spent the night down the pub on her birthday, Susan made him spend the night on the blow-up mattress
Happy Birthday Sammy! 
Hip hip hooray! 
Hip hip hooray!Sarah. I think the dog wants to go out.
Sue, forget detox. 
let's tox.
happy birthday sue!PENELOPE COULDN'T HELP FEELING THAT FRED'S ROAD-RAGE PROBLEM WAS GETTING WORSE
Sorry Susan... a big noodle... a bigger noodleAmanda, 
it's all about Mindset,
i.e. You have your
Mind Set on those
Shoes so you're jolly
well going to buy them!
Happy Birthday!
WITH FRIENDS ON HER BIRTHDAY, HELEN FELT A GREAT SENSE OF INNER PEACE AND CALM... YEP SHE WAS SHITFACED AGAIN!Over the years, Vera had found how to get the best from her bathroom scales.
IT'S NO USE WHISTLING GEORGE - I CAN SEE THE BUBBLES COMING OUT OF YOUR BOTTOM.Gym Bunny 
Don't Forget to Breathe
Tick Boxes:
Commit to be Fit / Feeling Fabulous / No Pain No Gain / Work that Body / Buns of Steel  / Your Body is a Temple / 
Feel the Burn

*INSIDE*
Gym Bunny. noun
The epitome of keep fit chic, who knows the 
calorific value of everything. This bunny can always 
be spotted ‘getting down‘ on the treadmill at the gym.
Suzy could have sworn they felt comfy in the shopYou're growing older like a fine vintage car...
Bean Playing FootballHappy Birthday Old Fruit
Birthday Glitz + Tits
You still look sexy and stunning
you still look divine and so dapper
you still look young and elegant..."Peter did you know there's a minature woman tied to the train tracks who looks remarkably like me?"
You want the remote...you get it off him"Bob should have blown the candles out before napping"
"Darling...where did you get those shoes? and that bag is to die for" 
Bella was a little surprised when the sun came outClayboys Astrology - Taurus 
Opinionated, obstinate, materialistic, temperamental, argumentative, controlling, persistent, brooding, bull headed, lustful, jealous and possessive, self indulgent, head strong, hedonistic, self-centred, inflexible, obsessive, volatile, voracious, stubborn... and EXTREMELY good looking.
Remember Phillipa, it's unwise to drink vodka on an empty stomach so have a bottle of wine first!Jake don't do something on your birthday that you'll later regret...  do something on your birthday you can talk about for years!
"Do not do that again or you'll have to go and sit on the naughty step - alongside your father."
Happy Birthday"I don't care if you did go to Hogwarts Harry, you're fired!" 
The Sorcerer's Apprentice 
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday. I toast you. Seriously.Heroes For Hire
Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... ever notice how all women's problems begin with men? I've invented fire.. I've invented fire!!!  Finally Mark We can lihgt our farts!!
While Susan did the dishes, John usually dried up.Happy Birthday! Barbara Melanie Klein
Should I tell Marge to trim her bush. Should I tell Ted his dick's in my slipper3 facts about manchester united: 
[1] we are the best 
[2] we were the best 
[3] we will be the best 
happy birthday mike!
WHEN IT CAME TO GREENHOUSE GASSES FRED WAS PART OF THE SOLUTION...AND PART OF THE PROBLEMYou are my Sunshine
Louise, Happy Birthday!
May the Gin and Tonic 
go from strength to strength!AS DAVE FINISHED OFF THE LAST SHEET OF TOILET PAPER, THERE SEEMED ONLY ONE ALTERNATIVE...
The Dangers of the Internet .... Colin only logged on to check his email.  4 hours later, he had bought a C-reg Vauxhall Astra and married a 17-year-old Texan.YOU STILL HAVE A SIX-PACK MR JONES - ITS JUST IN A QUILTED BAG WITH THE REST OF THE WEEKS SHOPPING
Bean Playing RugbyHap-Pea Birthday
Babe Magnet
Some blokes like their girls tarty
and some prefer them plain
but in the end all you need to be happy..."My toiletries shelf broke" said Vera.
We're off to bed now-so don't disturb my pussy when you come upReally Desperate Housewife
Bella found if administered correctly, evening primrose oil had a remarkably calming effectClayboys Astrology - Gemini
Impatient, restless, impractical. irritable, evasive, flirtatious, self-absorbed, gossipy, sarcastic, quickly bored, Jack of all trades, insatiable, non-committal, quarrelsome, capricious, over-active imagination, manipulative, indecisive, unpredictable... and TWICE the FUN!
Amanda, you now you're getting old when you bend down to touch your toes...A little bird told me that John is a year older...  But don't worry he won't tell anyone else
"Did you or did you not complain that I spend too much time down the pub with my mates?!"
Happy Birthday"I'm fed up with fish!"
John had always been difficult to buy for and now this!
they have invented a device to give us womenfolk some time off from the constant hassle of menfolk
it's called
golf...
happy birthday sarah!Disco Divas
No one is ever old enough... to know better!I had silicone implants done in 1998... just before I took up trampolening!
It was David's first day as a gangster, and already he'd had to pop a cap in someone's ass.John Edwards 1967 
Pure Vintage
credit-crunch cabernet 
drink it and you will feel better 
happy birthday sarah!FRED DECIDED TO SAVE MONEY BY DOING PENELOPE'S BIRTHDAY STRIP-AGRAM HIMSELF
For George, a student life is a good lifeStephanie,
a Diamond might be forever but a Chocolate is fine for right now.
xxx Happy Birthday!
Bean SurfingChocolate Head
When it comes to men and chocolate
there are no ifs and buts
they're both so satisfying...
"ITHINK ROVER WANTS TO GO FOR A WALK"I think the dog wants to go walkies
Cost of buying Samantha's Birthday card: £2.99Selection exam for England Footballers... Q. How does b go into a?
Clayboys Astrology - Cancer
Over-imaginative, intense, nonconformist, dreamer, manipulative, brooding, touchy, sulky, moody, needy, crabby, suspicious, tactless, likes attention, overly-sensitive, over-emotional, secretive, possessive, enigmatic, introspective, self-absorbed... nicer than ANYONE else.
Jennifer, there are ladies that lunch... and those who just get p*ssed!
It was strange.  He'd somehow naturally assumed that catwoman would land on her feet"It's a Banksy" 
Happy Birthday
3 facts:
1. shopping is good 
2. wine is good 
3. sex is good 
any other questions? 
happy birthday sarah!Audrey
It's not a beer gut... it's a balcony for my playground!Before writing classic plays, Shakespeasre's first job was writing rude bithday cards : Rome Romeo, I love thee perhaps, Let me tayke thee upstairs, And show thee my baps!
As a treat for his birthday, Susan decided to change into something more comfortable.INCREDIBLY SEXY HUNKS OF THE MODERN ERA
JONNY DEPP - JOHN MICHEAELS
What a guy! Happy Birthday John!
Mike, has everyone gone mad or is it just our family? happy birthdaySign-"WORLD'S MOST EMBARASSING DANCER COMPETETION" FRED WAS THRILLED TO BE  WINNER AT SOMETHING
Welcome to your new home JoshuaAnnie, 
Our Friendship is the sugar in the tea of life!
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday Old BeanTrumpy Head
You can do it in trainers
and while wearing a hood
letting rip in your jeans
feels really good
parping in the bath
Guffing in your cap
but don't follow through...
"We take late returns very seriously at this library Mr.Wilson!"Tell me if I'm pushing down too hard
Greg had the feeling that he had forgotten something.  Maybe he'd left his hat  at home.After cycling to work to reduce her carbon footprint, Kathy continued saving energy
Clayboys Astrology - Leo
egotistical, interfering, bossy, stubborn, arrogant, patronizing, melodramatic, controlling, gossipy, vain, jealous, sulky, brash, lusstful, indolent, proud, smug, over-ambitious, self-centered, opinionated, hedonistic, boastful, extravagant, pushy... BORN to RULE.When I grow up I want to be a man. Don't be silly Michael, you can't do both!
The World's first camera phone - It'll never catch on.I hope I got the Spanish right for 'Two Little Swallows'
Actually Dave had asked for two big tits
when you're older you are going to dance the way your parents dance. Be afraid. Be very afraid.Mitch and CJ
Happy Birthday Natasha only went to the shop to buy a bar of chocolate... ...but on the way she saw a dress and a pair of shoes to go with it!Despite protests from many players, there was no doubt in the referee's mind that it was a tackle from behind...
As a surprise for their third date, Susan decided to go commandoGREAT WOMEN WITH WONDERFUL BREASTS
DOLLY PARTON - LAURA SMITH
What a gal! Happy Birthday Laura!
www.www.com 
(women are weally wonderful dot com)
happy birthday sue!FRED FINALLY GOT HIS OWN WAY WITH THE BACK GARDEN
Barry, in the concrete jungle of life... may you find the perfect balconyThe Scouts’ motto is:
“Be Prepared”.
Melanie's motto is:
“Why go camping?”
Happy Birthday Darling!
Footie Head
There's nothing quite like footy
dribbling, scoring and all
grunting, gasping, getting sweaty..."...It was horrible - I was abducted by aliens and underwent some kind of physical examination. They then drip fed me with copious amouts of alcohol..."
Well don't just stand there. I've got a nipple stuck in the plug holeCyril had neglected mention his tiny head to Jannet.  Internet dating really sucked.
Selection exam for England Rugby Players... Q. Explain what is so frightening about this objectClayboys Astrology - Virgo
Bitchy, irritable, fussy, anal-retentive, dogmatic, eccentric, over-ambitious, over-critical, pedantic, restless, demanding, always complaining, always worrying, obsessive compulsive, shrewd, anti-social, intolerant of criticism, argumentative, vain, perfectionist...and SEXY as HELL.
My secret fantasy is to have two men at the same time... one doing the cooking and the other cleaning! Happy Birthday SusanI'm going to have an accident if he doesn't finish polishing that car soon
'The hills are alive...' Family Musical
'Ow! Fuck!' Hard Rock 
Happy Birthdaymark stewart's guide to drinking beer in 10 easy steps:
1. sip
2. sip
3. sip
4. sip
5. sip
6. sip
7. sip
8. sip
9. sip
10. burp
happy birthday mark!
The KingJogging? Never!... I'd spill my drink
Coming home this late, Billy always ran the risk of being grounded.Happy Birthday Jane! 
Amazing! 
So lovely!
it's the little voices that tell me to eat chocolate... 
happy birthday sue!FRED'S FEELINGS ABOUT SPEED CAMERAS WERE CLEAR AND UNEQUIVOCAL
Off to the MatchJoanna, 
the Difference between
Good Behaviour and
Bad Behaviour is the
Creditca rd in your handbag...
Design number 4871
Happy
Birthday,
Darling!
xxx
Boozy Head
One Tequila
Two Tequila
Three Tequila
Floor!"Since he bought the leaf blower I hardly ever see him"
Hang on - I'll set the 'Sat Nav' before we startWhen he was young, Bob made a wish to see naked, pendulous breasts ANYTHIME he wanted.
"Aaaah Aaaaah Chooo" 
Bella's nut allergy was more serious than she thoughtClayboys Astrology - Libra
Unperdictable, gullible, self-indulgent, flirtatious, intolerant of criticsim, extravagant, sulky, moody, escapist, easily influenced, overbearing, quarrelsome, inconsistent, naive, restless, impatient, manipulative, argumentative, stubborn, indecisive...absolutely FABULOUS.
Shall we try some new positions tonight Nadine? Okay Jimmy, you stand behind the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa f*rting!Its fantastic I can find out the EXACT weather outside this EXACT house at this EXACT moment - all on the internet!
"Quick! Hide the clubs. Here comes David Attenborough" 
Happy BirthdayRearrange the words below: another same of the pint please
Hello BoysIf at first you don't succeed... look in the bin for the instructions!
Lately, John just seemed to be living his life in limbo.GOLFING STARS OF THE MODERN ERA
TIGER WOODS - MARK FLETCHER
What a guy! Happy Birthday Mark!
martha mitchells's 5 steps to economic recovery: 
1.shopping 
2.more shopping 
3.more shopping 
4.more shopping 
5.more shopping 
happy birthday martha!FRED FOUND THAT BY USING AN INFLATABLE REPLICA OF HE COULD POP OUT TO THE PUB WITHOUT PENELOPE NOTICING
Sally, 
You are a
Complete Woman.
But that Handbag
will make you even
Completer. 
xxx Happy Birthday!"She's the worst gossip I've ever come across"
So nice of you to walk me home.
My pleasure believe meKathy adapted the kitchen to cater for her most important needs
Clayboys Astrology - Sagittarius
Restless, tactless, insensitive, blindly optimistic, eccentric, fool-hardy, outspoken, volatile, blunt, absent-minded, indulgent, over-confident, clumsy, hedonistic, procastinating, argumentative, impatient, rebellious, irresponsible...and INCREDIBLY desirable.
No Ken.  Watching football and drinking beer at the same time is not multi-tasking!
"This looks like the safest place. A zebra and a pelican crossing" 
Happy BirthdayIf at first you don't succeed, give up and go to the pub.
Off to see the WizardFirst a woman is a child, then a teenager, then she's young... then she's fabulous!
Dave would have fought it out, only he didn't have the bottle.DANCEFLOOR GROOVERS OF OUR TIME
JOHN TRAVOLTA - MARK JONES
What a guy! Happy Birthday Mark!
Natalie, all you need is love and gin, and tonic.FRED AND PENELOPE LOVED TO EXPERIMENT WITH NEW PAINT TECHNIQUES
Sally, why go to the gym when we can site down and have a lovely glass of wine? xxx Happy Birthday!Joe made sure that was the last time the shelf would fall down.
Guess who? - I don't care!Suddenly Bella's worries about the ozone layer, plight of the blue whale and world peace paled into insignificance
Clayboys Astrology - Capricorn
Opinionated, perfectionist, stubborn, demanding, skeptical, persistent, over-critical, rigid, wary, wry, social climber, inhibited, over ambitious, serious, relentless, cautious, tenacious, rigid, competitive, shrewd, insatiable...simply IRRESISTIBLE.Thats it - just sit and look blankly at them, it drives them crazy!
Steve, why do you think your company has become so successful? I spotted a hole in the marketlife is a struggle between good, evil and chocolate
Shaken Not StirredThis is not just a card...
Susan wondered if anyone had noticed her new facelift.And the winner of MISTER UNIVERSE 2009 is..... Martin Coleman! A wonderful choice! What a HUNK!
Dave, you should be prime minister i reckon. it'd suit you. happy birthday!AS PART OF HER NEW FITNESS PROGRAMME PENELOPE WATCHED HER STEP AEROBICS VIDEO EVERY DAY WITHOUT FAIL
Linda,
Us girls should stick together, for no reason in particular apart from the fact that we are Utterly Fab! xxx Happy Birthday!I would like you all to think of me as one of the guys.
I was trying to get information on garden sheds...and then I typed 'easy erection'She argued that one glass of wine a day is actually quite good for you
Clayboys Astrology - Aquarius
Eccentic, rebellious, temperamental, distrustful, quirky, quickly bored, inflexible, wry, aloof, anti-social, absent-minded, over-analytical, obstinate, blunt, self-absorbed, nonconformist, tactless and rude, moody, unconventional, unpredictable...Perfect in EVERY way.Do you like my new ring tone? That's great! - A phone with an arse-ring!
Vimrod credit-crunch shoppingTurbo Boost
A birthday tip... tip all  your drink down in one go! Sir, it seems you've misunderstood our offer; you get a free piggy bank.
2009 Dog of the Year Award goes to...FRED HAD HIGH HOPES FOR ANTHONY
"Sorry, I should''ve warned you Albert's very fussy"Nora says I'm supposed to lay this down for a while - But I think I'll drink it... then I'll lay down for a while
Bella was not impressed when the dog logged on to her computerBolton Wonderets F.C. suspect it was Blackburn fans who posted this on the internet
My farts hospitalise small childrenMaterial Girl
Happy Birthday. Did you say exercise?... ...Or Accessorise?Every year around June, John would hold a barbecue for his friends.
Because of the Credit Crunch the Government has put up posters all over the country to raise spirits Happy Birthday Sandra! FRED AND PENELOPE MADE A GREAT TEAM
"I think we're going to have our work cut out with this one Sarah"Now, I'm just popping in here to look at some shoes. What are you going to do? ... I might go on holiday for a while. I'll see you back here
Derek realised he was shitfaced when he slipped in the pub loo.And Liverpool have scored from a corner - What's a corner? No idea!
Development path of the human (male): crawl, walk, talk, drink, drink, drink, drink, crawl...Happy Birthday. Take life with a pinch of salt. ...Wedge of lime and a shot of tequila!
2009 Cat of the Year Award goes to...FOR MANY YEARS FRED'S SECRET SUNDAY AFTERNOON NAPS WENT UNDETECTED
"He's agreed to take us to his leader but he said it may take a whileStop showing off Ned... I know its your walking stick.
Bella only drank one unit of alcohol a weekThey appreciated the down to earth quality of Australian wines
wine is made to be drunk dammit 
happy birthday mary!Happy Birthday A drop of wine never hurt anyone... ...must be why a whole bottle makes you feel a whole lot better!
And the CHOCOHOLIC of the year award goes to: Stephanie Morrise of Basildon! Yeaaaah!FRED HAD NEVER BEEN A GREAT ONE FOR BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS

[SIGN: LEAVE PRESENTS HERE AND BUGGER OFF]
"Where's the instructions?" thought Jason.It was while trying to get undressed that Derek realised he was rat arsed.
Shall we let it breath Martha? No! lets murder it now James.Happy Birthday to an absolooot nuttah
Happy Birthday Getting older... some women take a tonic... Juliet just has the gin!PENELOPE WAS BECOMING CONCERNED ABOUT FRED'S DRINKING
"Yes Sir, we do have a smoking section"Derek's laptop gave new meaning to the term logging on
Where are we? E Bay!hope your birthday is effing brilliant
Happy Birthday. Aspire to barbie... ...the bitch has everything!IT WAS SO LONG SINCE FRED HAD SEEN IT THAT PENELOPE VERY KINDLY AGREED TO DESCRIBE IT TO HIM
"It's about this aftershave you sold me called 'Pied Piper'."The toughest part of Bella's exercise class was the bit where she had to hold a fart in
Unfortunately the passer-by he'd asked to take his photo outside Arsenal's stadium, was a Spurs fanHappy Birthday I'll decide when... ...I want to grow older!
AT LAST FRED FOUND THE PERFECT JOB"That's not what I meant by putting the cat out." (Sleeping Gas)
Bella found glasses did not make her look more intelligentIt's our lucky day. Some doctor is paying us £50 just to paint the inside of this old police box
Happy Birthday Symptoms of stress are... eating and drinking too much and impulse buying ...are they kidding?...PENELOPE KNEW EXACTLY WHERE SHE WOULD LIKE FRED TO SHOVE HIS GOLF CLUBS
Dog Heaven...  Fouling PermittedTHEY INSTINCTIVELY KNEW THE SAFEST PLACE WHEN BERNARD WAS ABOUT TO PLAY HIS SHOT
Is it gin o'clock yet?"His airbag must have over inflated"
An administrative error at the British Open paired Colin Montgomerie with 'Tigger'Seen it all, done it all... can't remember most of it!
Bathroom ScalesWhoops! I forgot to put my light sabre on 'charge'
Late night old boy? No I'm just ugly...The Newcastle police suspected the culprits were Sunderland fans
Suzy realised she may have got a shoe fetish.Wendy was ready for her 'coffee morning' with the girls.
I'm afraid your husband could develop severe prostate problems if you don't give him a blow job every day.""I'm on a low-fat diet." (MODELLING SCHOOL)
The boys never seemed to mind how many times Alice scored against them!I wish for ..... no housework, no cooking, no cleaning...
You haven't changed a bit PerkinsHOUSTON- WE HAVE A PROBLEM
Tina was still able to fit into a size twelve.Erogenous Zones
"It's disgusting! He just sits and licks his balls all day.""Jenkins, that's the last time I make a personal call on company time."
Sexy UndiesSarah found a cure for PMT
Footballers in the early days were generally as fit and athletic as their modern-day counterparts: Dan, however was a fat lazy git!

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