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FRED SENSED THAT PENELOPE HAD ALREADY OPENED THE CHRISTMAS SHERRYThere's no such thing as too much Christmas spirit for Sophie Bright
Merry Christmas Sarah
This Christmas... 
...stuff the turkey!HELEN DECIDED TO SPEND CHRISTMAS THE TRADITIONAL WAY....PISSED!
Eventually, Rudolph grew weary of being Santa's bitch.  Sounds like reindeer...
"I know 26 verses of Silent Night and Darren's never had a saxophone lesson in his life.  Do the sensible thing, Mrs Harris."DAVE COULD NEVER WORK OUT WHY IT TOOK LONGER TO GET HOME AT CHRISTMAS
"...so I just feel my friends would relate to me more if I had one. Yours, Phil" 
Tsk! 3 pages of bullshit just for an iPhoneOn the way home from the Christmas party Dot was caught in a blizzard.  Luckily she was easy to find.
Sorry-can't hear you, You're breaking upBella are you sure you gave the Bin men their Christmas tip?

[UP YOURS]
How Nice james. A card from the bank manager. Same old crap but with a bit of holly round it.Merry xmas uncle monty you fantastic old bastard
Great news, Janet. Grandma Sue is coming to stay for Christmas and New Year!He'd discovered a machine that did absolutely everything for him at christmas... it was called a wife and it meant he could fanny about all Christmas doing exactly what he wanted
It was Christmas and all was silent.AFTER A COUPLE OF GLASSES OF SHERRY FRED COULD SENSE PENELOPE GETTING INTO THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
How Pete should deal with stress at ChristmasLydia, Christmas is a time...
JolliesMost people just shake their presents to see if they rattle but the Smith family had moved on to thermal imaging technology
Baby Jesus enjoyed playing with his new torch.'s not my fault! I said do you want the kit kat or the penguin?
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
'There's no point going on a post-Christmas detox diet', mused Dot, 'unless you get properly toxed in the first place.'Get ready guys, here comes christmas lunch
Bella abandoned her Christmas shopping list and did her Christmas shopping pissed.It's the same every christmash! I pop to the pub for 1 pint and some heartless bastard steals my house!...Hic...Sob.
We have reason to believe that this man misbehaves at xmas. is it true? It's only 27 days to Christmas Jim, so your Mother's come to put the sprouts on
Christmas List: diamonds, new car, yacht... 'The list is short and I don't mind which' she said modestlyEverton is a crap team but i'm prepared to wish you a happy xmas anyway.
FRED FELT HIS GUESTS HAD OVERSTAYED THEIR WELCOMEHarold's Planet - MERRY CHRISTMAS Miranda
To a Special Daughter/ A handbag isn't just for Christmas... it's for life!Shirley was all lit up like a Christmas tree... George looked like he was pretty well hung
Not being able to run to a partridge in a pear tree, Norman had sent his true love Doreen a frozen chicken in a bunch of flowers.I've only had 5 million sherries officer
BOO!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!Dot could not control herself - it was just one 'Yo ho ho' too many
Typical! Christmas Eve and we're out of toilet paper.Simple xmas equation: brussels sprout + wine = farts. this man can prove it:
Nah! We never fall out at Christmas. Well Sometimes Marion's tits do when she's dancing.Chin chin Maxwell, you fantastic old bastard!
AFTER THEIR CHRISTMAS DINNER FRED AND PENELOPE RETIRED TO THE LOUNGEHarold's Planet - HOW TO PROPERLY CLEAR UP AFTER CHRISTMAS
Merry Christmas John and Jane
Chistmas Lunch?...Happy Holiday Weight Gain!
Dear Dad, I saw mum kissing Santa Claus in Xmas Eve,. Is this ok?The Three Wise Men were not welcomed by the locals - "QUIZ NIGHT"
Oh, I'm sorry Mike, I thought it said toilet
Instead of a menu Dot gave the family a list of topics not to be discussed during Christmas lunch
Right. This is the list of things to do for christmas. Now here's the clever part Barry - I'm gonna burn it and sod off to Barbados.No, Autie Julie loves Christmas. But she just likes to get away from it all on boxing day
Susan, has everyone gone completely mad, or is it just our family?FRED HAD NEVER SHARED PENELOPE'S ENTHUSIASM FOR CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
Harold's Planet - HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESS THIS CHRISTMASTo a Special Sister
A drop of wine never hurt anyone... must be why a whole bottle makes you feel a whole lot better!
Cost of buying George's Christmas card: £2.99"Battery. Toy not included"  Christmas in the Smith household didn't get off to the best of starts
FRANK WAS A MAN OF FEW WORDS WHEN IT CAME TO CHRISTMAS FAMILY QUARRELS...Tell 'em anything! tell 'em christmash is cancelled! My deer has written himself off in a freak drinking accident.
'Wow. That was some Christmas party.'  Groaned Dot. 'What time is it?' 
'January.' Replied the cleaner.He said he felt a turkey and sprout fart  coming on... But where the hell is he?
Letiticia, the best way to deal with christmas...FRED WAS READY FOR THE CHRISTMAS PARTY
Harold's Planet - HOW TO MAKE ... A BETTER PLACETo a Special Mum at Christmas
Is it gin o'clock yet?
Tinkle Tinkle little star...Having eaten 12 satsumas, 1 1/2lb of stuffing and the fairy off the Christmas tree, Aunt Vera had to be blown up by the police in a controlled explosion.
'See, it's a bit of a tradition shoving a satsuma in your stocking. If it's a problem I could shove it up your arseDot liked to cook with brandy at Christmas.  And occasionally put it in the food.
Oi, Mary! No more worrying about the cost of nappies I've sold the birth photo rights to Hello Magazine.hummmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMM aaah, the gentle hum of a hangover....
SOD THE TURKEY SAID PENELOPEHarold's Planet - SEASON'S GREETINGS It's snowing, Amy!  ...Guess It's time to go inside.
To my Fabulous Wife at Christmas
Give in to temptation...Snowgloball Warming - GLOBAL WARMING! IF WE DON'T STOP IT FROSTY WILL DIE!
Dear Brother, Christmas is all about forgetting pasat quarrels, putting aside differences and joking together in a spirit of PEACE, HARMONY and GOOD WILL to ALL MEN.   Love from JimSmart kid. 'Left his dad's pants out instead of a stocking.
OI! If this is my christmas present it feels a lot like the one you gave me last year.at xmas one's plate is meant to be full. I am full, therefore, am I plate?
FRED HAD EVIDENTLY HAD ONE MINCE PIE TOO MANYHarold's Planet - HOW TOMAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE
Merry Christmas Lucy
My special Christmas pudding recipe has brandy, sherry and liquer..."Does this make me look gay?"  Seasons Greetings.... Fa la la la la la la la la
I told you this was a rough area they even took me antlers.A Halo!? Big Deal. Our Shane's the same age and he's got an ASBO
christmas is a time for giving and receiving... so give me a big present and i'll receive it graciouslyFOR HER CHRISTMAS PRESENT PENELOPE HAD ASKED FRED FOR A PAIR OF MULES
Harold's Planet - MERRY CHRISTMAS Barbara & Sam!Cold Hands, Warm Fart
It's 'health and safety'. I have to wear a helmet and you have to wear a nappy- in case you do a whoopsie on somebody's carpet.WHEN FRED SUGGESTED NAKED KARAOKE PENELOPE KNEW HE HAD HAD ONE CHRISTMAS DRINK TOO MANY
Harold's Planet - MERRY CHRISTMAS May the star of peace shine in every pool you pass...There's no people like snow people
Well, sorree Miss Jones! It's a rabbit and it looks pretty rampant to me. What's your problem?FRED SENSED THAT PENELOPE WAS NOT ENTIRELY HAPPY WITH HER MOBILE PHONE
Breasts are like snowflakes... No two are exactly the sameWey Hey! the moon is full tonight is it not? Heh, heh, heh...  Oi! Rudolph stop that
FRED AND PENELOPE SPENT THE AFTERNOON ENGROSSED IN THEIR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS - Books are 'How to get into shape' and 'Step aerobics'The TOP TEN things you don't want to know about santa claus...
Turn right Bollocks! Turn right Bollocks!  Whats the point of having sat nav if your just going to argue with it all the time?FRED FELT THE IN LAWS HAD OVERSTAYED THEIR WELCOME
XMAS CRAP.... Season's GreetingsI JUST DONT FEEL CHRISTMASSY. I SUPPOSE I COULD SHAG THE TURKEY, THAT MIGHT GET ME IN THE MOOD.
"Your mother and I believe that nothing builds character like extreme disappointment. Merry Christmas son!"WHAT CAN I SAY? - WEATHER'S CRAP. SLEDGE IS BUGGERED. FATTY'S IN A STROP - JUST ANOTHER CHRISTMAS REALLY.
Santa Exposed - LATE BREAKING NEWS Santa's "accidentally" exposed his genitals while getting out of the sleigh, drunk, not wearing any panties. Bloody hell! I'm only gone for five minutes and they clamp me!

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