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Carefree and confident, Elaine was the perfect illustration of what a go ahead, modern girl could achieve... on two bottles of vodkasNaughty Boy
Nigel was an instant hit with the ladies... due to his impressive lunchboxPHIL BY DAY, SMART, SENSIBLE OFFICE CLERK, WITH SUIT.  PHIL BY NIGHT, CRAZY COSMIC LURVE GOD WITH ATTITUDE!
BlackmailOlder and wiser or younger and foolish?... if only there were a choice, Jonathan!
Kevin had spent the entire day downloading corn on the internetJudy liked to savour that unmistakably salty tang ....
Once Maureen discovered the vibrate feature on her mobile phone, she started to text herself a hundred times a day!Mike's new Anti-theft Device
Jeremy preferred his GM Courgette rater than the Alfalfa GT or the Lettuce Elise...The prop forward was somewhat surprised by the Kiwi hooker's tackle
The carrots had a pea up against the wall...Suzi tried to re-kindle her modelling career but sadly, in the intervening years, everything had gone a bit pear-shaped...
At her Birthday party, Victoria laughed so much...that a pea ran down her legsHappy Birthday From the Pythons
Bright side of Life - AliensThe Conference Pears made many fruitless attempts to send and recieve e-mails on their new Blackberries...
Lucy was having real fun because Frank had allowed her to operate the gearstick for the last ten minutes... He was having even more fun, knowing that the car was an automatic!Tom swam for his life... but the currants were too strong for him
The Ministry of Silly WalksDave wondered if the matching socks were a mistake
Sir, I hear you're spoken for?  Yes I'm married and I can't get a bloody word in!Eddie went to the dentist and unfortunately had to have three fillings
'Trust me, it cost a fraction of the price and it's just as cool as one of those iPOD thingsThe vegetarian could never understand why, no matter how much he chewed, the sweetcorn always came out whole.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries - I fart in your general direction! It was the perfect bar; not only did it get her drunk but it lifted her off the floor and drove her home
Meaning of LifeThe plumber was called in when they found a really bad leek in the bathroom.
There was no doubt about it... they were now looking for a cereal killer..."Well it's a par four with a long, undulating fairway and a wicked dogleg to the right, quite a number of bunkers and a fair amount of rough in front of the trees.  There's also a strong breeze blowing from left to right, therefore not much room for error.  Mmm, what do you think Ian?"... "******** welly it"
Eddie went out one night and got really hammeredNudge, nudge wink, wink. Say no more.
The Blind Dates waited for hours not realising the other had also turned up earlyThey knew exactly what to wear to keep the blokes away on a girl's night out.
Monty Python Birthday Photo Upload CardDIANA REALISED THAT LITTLE GIRLS WEREN'T NECESSARILY MADE FROM SUGAR AND SPICE AND ALL THINGS NICE, AFTER SNIFFING ONE OF HER OWN FARTS
Simon was distraught... it was the third time that day that someone had said he looked like his dad!Lumberjack
It was a hard day at the office, the computers went down and Mavis had to learn how to think again.The boys always knew they were in for a treat when Suzy got out her bongos.
Flying CircusBright side of Life - Birthday
Life is always fun when you're off your tits'Brandy make me randy' said Mandy, 'Whisky makes me frisky' said Julie, 'Vodka makes me throw up and go home with an ugly bloke' laughed Lucy.
Johnny thought it had been worth the wait for the donkey to pee.OH, NO! SHE FORGOT THE ROLLING PAPERS!!!
Norman's new wife may have been younger... but she had shocking cellulite and a bitter faceShaz could actually not remember anything after the 16th rum and coke
Sam soon realised life was one long learning curve... today he'd learnt not to fart under the bed covers without planning a way out first.After several glasses of wine, Lily and Joy did their best not to look too tarty
My problem is that I don't just drink to excess... I drink to anythingAll Gladys wanted to hear was Jim say "I love you". All Jim wanted to hear was his balls slapping against her arse.
After the police sent him a photo of his car speeding, Ron sent them a photo of a cheque.Sandy's botox BBQ was the social event of the year!
You?...eat a whole one?...on your birthday?Desperate Scarlet checked the coast was clear... before taking a pea behind the hedge
Geraldine tried hard to imagine living with imperfection ... but she couldn'tWHOA!!! Michael... stop with the shaking, that's not the champagne bottle
Charlie was doing well in the skateboarding championship... and he would have won if he hadn't shoved a banana up his arse and thrown shit at the judges!Come potty time, Ian learnt not to eat lego the hard way.
Bad Hair Day!News that next-door's Dobernan had caught his todger in the lawn mower blade... prompted a concerned and sympathetic reaction from Marmalade!
For a moment Brimley were in with a chance, then the game startedKnowing how upset and humiliated the Germans felt at losing 5-1 at home, the England Players thought it best not to gloat
NOT WHAT MIKE HAD IN MIND WHEN HE ASKED CAROL TO SHOW HIM HER G-STRING!Girls Night out
On seeing the group of gorgeous guys, the girls decided to act natural.Men's brains are in two parts, left and right.  The left part has nothing right in it, and the right part has nothing left in it.
MARY COULD ONLY WATCH AS MIGUEL'S PUBES FORCED THEIR WAY OUT OF HIS TRUNKS AND WENT FOR HIS THROATVictoria's wrinkly friends need never know... about her secret visits to Doctor Collagen
There was no looking back now that Carl had discovered accessorisingBeing too old and slow to catch birds... Tiddles resorted to being rude to them!
John birthdays are like hot baths... ....too many will give you wrinklesSarah would never call the park keeper a "miserable old git" again.
The years have been kind to you... it's the weekends that have done the damage, Shane!It’s your BIRTHDAY Shane They tried their best not to look surprised but then they heard how old you are!!
It was time for her to give up drinking... the last thing she could remember was popping out for a pint of milkJanice... You rock!
Susan decided it was probably a good time to ask her boyfriend for a Gucci handbagRemember on your birthday it's important to share everything in life... except chocolate of course!
John another birthday... and still looking goodjennifer, sometimes and especially on birthdays, you just have to tell yourself... ’sod the tea bags!’
Sadly in the heat of passion.... it wasn't just his heart that had melted The expression on Andrew's face showed he'd found something far more interesting to play with than lousy alphabet blocks!
Marie-Louise loved the feel of her new jacket, but Fifi felt hers was a bit tight under the arms.She had been stood up but it wasn't long before she fell over again
With piles,wrinkles and stiff joints to look forward to... ...Clive was just happy he’d kept his sense of humour and dashing good looks intact!Daniel, there's still plenty of life left in the old dog... it just has to be used sparingly!
Oh youu like it there don't you... you dirty little scrubber, Mick!Dylan had swallowed the remote control and everytime he farted the TV changed channel
Try putting me out tonight... if you think you're hard enough, Eddie!After swallowing a tennis ball... Harry was dreading going for a pooh!
Now all he had to do... was make a noise like a peanut!Hamish got a few sporadic laughs when he popped his head out of the teapot... but really brought the house down when he stuck his willy out of the spout!
Blinky knew the litter tray would break his fall... it's knowing what he'd left there earlier that was worrying him!
Jules, where does virgin wool come from?... ugly sheep!
Dave, I heard you thumped Jonathan Ross yesterday.  Yes, the git called me a wino!For a DOG Lover! Sure I took on board my owner's comments about not sitting on the couch, but then I thought hey, what's a few skid-marks amonst friends?
Birthdays Churchill likes... it's the morning after he hates!Mary had a little lamb, she tied it to a pylon... 10,000 volts shot up it's bum and turned its wool to nylon!
Tom was well pleased with himself... getting his towel on the chair before that sodding German cat!Tommy had a feeling... that his brother should cut down on the Frosties!

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